My husband is concerned because I am showering daily and brushing my teeth.

I’m coming out of a depression, not into a mania. Why does every feeling need to be pathological? Honey, this means I’m doing better.

Excitement, the occasional delusional thought…this is not such cause for concern. “Normal” people get excited over someone they really like and think of them a lot of the time. And believe me, I have too much time to think, so yes, it may seem excessive to you. It’s a personality trait mixed with loneliness.

Please just believe in me. Believe I can go to work, drive again, that I can be the independant woman that I am inside. Love me!

I’m not sure what I will do. I really want to use my degree and make a decent wage. Being happy and in a supportive environment is most important, though.

Do I have it in me to be a counselor again? I want to say “yes”, but honestly I don’t know. I have to be really healthy and managing my illness well to consider that. I do manage it well in terms of taking my prescribed medications and talking to the doctor. However, I have not always actively participated in the assignments my counselors have given me. What a bad example, not using tools that are being given.

Good news is, that has really changed with Joe. I know I struggled with him in an earlier post, but I have really come to like him quite a bit. Something has changed in me…I’m doing the work. He asked me to journal, as counselors have asked many times, and for some reason I’m doing it.

Joe told me “You are going back to work and you are going to drive again”. Those simple yet powerful words. It impacted me. KK always reminded me of my degrees and how intelligent, I was, but my self esteem didn’t boost.

Why am I ready now? What makes this man, this wonderful man so different? I know I’m not supposed to, but I really do love him. I love him for giving me myself back. Some people would say “No, its you doing the work”, and yes that is true. I cannot deny that something in that one session with Joe flipped a switch.

I like me, again! I feel that I am worth something. It has been too damn long.

Forgive the corny nature of this soap opera “love song” but it just seems fitting. And its from my forever favorite soap SANTA BARBARA. The name of it is “The Change in me is You” and this is for Joe.

If someone wanted me, I would want to know it. No, really, I would!

Charlie Kaufman: There was this time in high school. I was watching you out the library window. You were talking to Sarah Marsh.
Donald Kaufman: Oh, God. I was so in love with her.
Charlie Kaufman: I know. And you were flirting with her. And she was being really sweet to you.
Donald Kaufman: I remember that.
Charlie Kaufman: Then, when you walked away, she started making fun of you with Kim Canetti. And it was like they were laughing at *me*. You didn’t know at all. You seemed so happy.
Donald Kaufman: I knew. I heard them.
Charlie Kaufman: How come you looked so happy?
Donald Kaufman: I loved Sarah, Charles. It was mine, that love. I owned it. Even Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away. I can love whoever I want.
Charlie Kaufman: But she thought you were pathetic.
Donald Kaufman: That was her business, not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you. That’s what I decided a long time ago.
Donald Kaufman: Whats up?
Charlie Kaufman: Thank you.
Donald Kaufman: For what?

I don’t need to feel angst over who I love. I can love one, I can love many. I can love D. or S. or whomever I want to love. Just because they don’t love me back doesn’t mean I cannot love them!

My attraction to her was magnetic. I was glued to the TV. I had intellectually spouted that “Eveyone may be bisexual on some level” but never felt a true intense attraction that I recognized before then. I would watch love scenes between her and her male co-stars and would always be looking at her, thinking about kissing her…not the men. Now, had she been paired with a hot man who was also a good actor that would have been an even more fun story to tell!

Mark walked in. I no longer hated Janna’s brother who lives and loves with me. I think I tried to be cold to him for a while and was unsympathetic to his plight…but before long I found myself kissing him. We ended up eating Chinese and had a great time. I came home and napped and woke up not feeling so well, but not mood-wise. I am off the warpath and hope to stay off of it.

Bless my Mom and sister for understanding me, or at least not picking a fight with me when I’m ready.

Seriously, I hope they don’t.  Although I have to say after the numbed it, I found the procedure kind of fun, even though I could feel a little liquid running (whether that be the blood or the numbing solution, I do not know).

I was actually in tears over this whole thing Monday night. I was reaching out to Phil Sr.  Gosh, I guess I needed a daddy.

I needed an equal measure of “you’ll be okay” and “we’re concerned”.  My Mom was a bit too unconcerned about the whole thing. I needed a hug, a verbal or physical hug would do. Thank you to those people who said I would be in their prayers, even if there were no need for prayers. For in my mind, this was a tragedy of epic proportions.

But I had my husband, my mother-in-law Maro, and my bestie D. by my side, if not physically, mentally.  D. is special, he has a way of making me feel comforted even when he’s verbally saying “it’ll be fine”. He’s just sensitive and not dismissive. Love that man!  His girlfriend is very fortunate to have him!!